The ultimate goal
The pain was too strong, I could not stand anyone around me. But there he was, my little ten year old chess student on my worst moment. He was telling me I was his hero and that he loved me. Adorable, but I could not control how I felt. It was 2018, and I had just played one of the worst chess tournaments of my life. I have always been close to the ultimate honor a chess player can achieve, but always doubted if I could do it. Somehow what it takes is a long walk and a body overflowing with frustration to change everything. My next move was ready to be played.
“This is my last cigarette” I said, with a serious voice.
Back at the tournament people started laughing,
“I’ve tried that a hundred times, see you in a week my friend.” They replied.
Why would this time be different?
“I’m not only quitting smoking, I am also quitting alcohol, porn, video games and even coffee.”
Silence.
They must have thought I was crazy, but I just really hate losing. I was willing to sacrifice everything in order to achieve the title of Grandmaster.
I became the example of discipline and self-control. My new habits were: Wim Hof’s morning routine, advanced hypnosis, meditation and the occasional Tony Robbins video sent by a friend.
I could achieve anything I’d set my mind to.
10 minute cold showers with Wim Hof’s program. Imagining myself wearing a cape and improving my body posture automatically, with Robbins. I was finally in control. What followed were countless days of repetitive chess studies, and the occasional guidance from my world class Polish trainer. All I could do from then on was work and pray for future results.
Summer ‘19
The next summer was there, time to show the world what I have learnt. Time for the final verdict, can I become Grandmaster or not? Karma would have it that I would be back at the same place in Copenhagen where the journey started. But this time the tournament was even bigger and more important.
It was hot, especially for Denmark. And like clockwork, I started getting migraines. After a few days in the tournament, I had lost most of the points I had won during the season. I decided to quit the tournament. If you believe in any kind of powerful being like God, this was the moment to seriously doubt the existence of a good Lord. But that was not all, this migraine was the worst ever. It would travel with me all the way to Riga to ruin my next tournament as well.
Then and there in Riga, I bought a pack of cigarettes and had myself a nice beer. I had officially given up and started to focus more on less honorable things. In Vienna, two weeks later, it became one bottle of wine per evening. And to everyone’s surprise the tournament went amazing. Which makes the whole thing even more unfair. Some colleagues consoled me that every Grandmaster is probably mentally ill. So not reaching that is probably a good thing.
Summer ’19 left me with shattered dreams and a tough mystery. A mystery I had to confront, because life with month long migraines is probably the opposite of controlling how you feel.
Brain waves
Somewhere that autumn I discovered something awesome. I had been living in Amsterdam for a while but for the first time ever I started playing chess against my friends after smoking cannabis. All this time the option was there, but I had never explored it. Surprisingly enough my level skyrocketed, my play-style completely changed. I started seeing things that others missed. Smoking green became my way to make sense of my lost dreams. I did not smoke much, but boy it hit hard. It was the first time in human history we had genetically modified cannabis to contain more than 30% THC. During those smoking sessions I started to watch some questionable documentaries about symbolism in ancient structures. I read somewhere that weed could cause psychosis but I had no idea what that was.
My chess level finally went up. I recreated the results on cannabis by listening to binaural beats before the game. Through binaural beats you can basically alter your brainwaves to get the frequency you desire. To get the results you desire. I would be a calm and collected killing machine behind the chessboard that season. Reaping the rewards of my training after I had given up hope.
Then one day after a match I felt really bad. It was like I was unable to control my thoughts, my emotions and even where I would look. I could not direct my eyes anywhere meaningful. It takes a lot of courage and a lot of shame.
“Help, I think I am going crazy.”
“Come here and we will play board games.”
I was hosted by a kind family to play for the club. We played settlers of Catan, not really concerning ourselves with anything other than trading wood for wheat.
One month later I was going back to Copenhagen, to that same place where it all started. It was difficult to catch my flight, somehow time had disappeared while I was dreaming away. But I got in. There I got scared, by a man making weird annotations next to me. If only I could decipher them I would know what to do.
Once there my friend started to make really weird remarks. Like “Indian people are the basis of the human race.” And “we’re on the fifth round.” At the same time the whole interior of the club had been redecorated with a devilish head hanging on the wall right above my bed. I lost my mind right then and there. If I can compare the feeling to anything, it’s like the nervousness right before public speaking, but it does’t go away. No sleep, thoughts become loud intrusive voices. And from loss of sleep, bad gets to worse, like a living nightmare you hallucinate. I could not decide what was real and what was not, but one thing was sure. The psychosis was not just a word, it was real.
Biochemistry
A few episodes and recoveries later, the outlook of schizophrenia was worrisome. My father had shown the symptoms. I was next in line. It was almost fortunate that my diagnosis said ‘Bipolar I.’ I had something to research, with more passion than ever. At that time I decided to see the diagnosis as a complicated personality test.
It took me one day to finish a long book called “The biochemistry of bipolar disorder.” Most of it was about medication and which ones were most efficient. But a handful dared to speculate about the root cause of the mental illness.
One article of particular interest was a population study which showed that in regions in Scandinavia where they ate a lot of fish, there was around 20% less occurrence of bipolar disorder. It finally made sense why The Pixies sing about fish in “Where is my mind.” And actually the link between fish and mental health is quite often made. In the recent Bridgerton special on Netflix, they portray a psychotic King George. Who, when his character is introduced, mentions he does not like fish.
Alongside with other supplements NAC, Turmeric and multivitamin. It’s likely that fish oil saved my life. And despite all the crazy situations I got myself in around 2022, I was able to keep my mind intact. Slowly but surely, I found something that gave me control over how I felt. It did not matter how little scientific evidence there was. These first supplements worked for me. I gained my sanity through 1.5g of fish oil per day.
BIO DHA + EPA
Inspired by what works, I started to test more supplements and playing around with dosage. It turns out that you can actually repair your brain. At least I have not had anything that resembles psychosis for a long time now. Through discovering high doses of algae oil, I can now say my symptoms of bipolar disorder have vanished and the migraines are a distant past.
In the end my biggest mistake was to believe that I could control how I feel. Meditation does not work when you’re stressed out. Cold showers drain your energy in the end. And imagining you wear a cape for self-confidence, please that effect is over in a few minutes.
True control comes from the nutrients you choose to put in your body. You cannot build a brain without DHA, same way you cannot build a house without bricks. My results inspired me to learn everything about nutrition. What do you do to wake up? Coffee. What do you do if you are shy? Alcohol. What you put in your body controls how you feel. But in the end, you can control that. That’s why I’ve dedicated myself to give you the cleanest, most effective sources of nutrients. So you might discover their power as well.